(라이팅) What's for Dinner? + Hemingway Editor 첨삭

It was 5:54 PM, and it was dark outside in the freezing winter air. In the comforts of her warm, cozy room, Lara leaned back in her chair as her eyes flitted across the luminous screen of her computer. Reaching for the keyboard, she typed only a few words for her English essay before leaning back again and yawning, reluctant to continue working. Her fingers clacked away for a split second before she deleted what she had typed and leaned back. This process of procrastination repeated for a few minutes before her mum’s voice called from the kitchen.

"Lara, dinner's ready!"

Lara responded, still staring at her tiny paragraphs in despair.

"Coming!"

She desperately tried finishing her last pathetic paragraph, which consisted of not even a full sentence, before she went to dinner. A few minutes passed, and she continued typing and clicked save on the screen when a resounding crash came from outside Lara’s open bedroom door. Startled, she tensed and spun to see a shattered plate and its fragments all over the floor.

“Lara, I said… DINNER!” her mum screamed.

Lara froze. Chills cascaded down her spine as her pulse quickened. She glanced at the fragments: jagged and gleaming in the faint light. Her mum’s voice still echoed in her ears, harsh and foreign. Slowly, she tiptoed out of the room, her footsteps muffled on the soft velvet carpet.

The kitchen was silent, unnervingly still. The coolness of the tiles numbed Lara's feet. Her breath hitched when she noticed a yellow Post-It fluttering under the soft glow of the overhead light. With trembling hands, she picked it up.

Honey, I’ve gone to the supermarket to buy a turkey for Thanksgiving - Mum.

Her throat tightened. The Post-It crinkled between her fingers as she whispered,

"But... You just yelled for me."

Fear gripped Lara's heart, tighter and tighter as her panic gradually increased until she was panting from distress. She felt dizzy. This could not be happening. Frantically scrambling towards the nearest kitchen knife, she whimpered and scrabbled towards her room, her fists white from gripping the knife rigidly. She locked her door and saw her saviour: her phone. With trembling fingers, she called the police, every small sound making her head ache from terror like a rubber hammer repeatedly smacking her on her skull.

Her dial tone cut short abruptly. Tears streamed from her wide eyes and she sobbed quietly. Her phone was still on. She kept dialling all of the numbers in her contacts but none of them got through. Now crying uncontrollably, she thrust her fist into her mouth to muffle her sobbing. There was something in her house but it was not her mother. Carefully turning the doorknob, she peeked out of her room and then instantly regretted it. On the wall opposite to her door, there was crimson writing: 'What's for dinner, honey?'.

Lara screamed in raw terror and shivers racked her body violently. Every cell of her body was electrified with horror. She slammed the door shut and curled up in the corner, using a beanbag as cover. She could not take the fear anymore. Her doorknob slowly turned and crept open. Her headache acutely sharpened and she passed out and slipped into her relieving break from her horrifying situation.

Feedback : Grade 7

This excerpt effectively builds tension and creates a chilling atmosphere, successfully immersing the reader in Lara's psychological state. The use of sensory details, such as the "freezing winter air" and the "soft velvet carpet," enhances the setting and evokes a visceral response. The contrast between the warmth of Lara's room and the growing sense of dread is particularly well executed, drawing the reader deeper into her emotional turmoil.

However, there are areas where the text can be improved for clarity and impact:

1. Pacing and Structure: The narrative has a tendency to meander, especially in the early paragraphs. For example, the repetitive cycle of Lara typing and deleting her work could be condensed. Consider summarising this procrastination phase to maintain momentum. Perhaps you could say, "Lara typed a few words, then deleted them, the cycle of procrastination keeping her trapped in her chair."
2. Character Development: Lara's internal struggle is compelling, but her emotions could be explored more deeply. When she finds the Post-It note, consider incorporating more of her thoughts and fears to heighten the suspense. For instance, you might add a line about her confusion or disbelief to flesh out her reaction.
3. Dialogue Tags: The dialogue could benefit from more varied tags or descriptions to enhance the emotional tone. Instead of just "Lara responded," you could say, "Lara replied weakly, her heart racing," to convey her fear more vividly.
4. Imagery and Word Choice: While the imagery is strong, certain phrases can be tightened for greater impact. For instance, instead of "her fists white from gripping the knife rigidly," you might say, "her knuckles blanched as she gripped the knife." This revision maintains the meaning while making the sentence more concise.
5. Tension Building: The climax builds well, but the transition to Lara’s panic could be smoother. Consider adding more sensory details to heighten the suspense. For example, when she hears the doorknob turning, you could describe her physical reactions—her rapid heartbeat or the cold sweat on her brow—before she passes out.
6. Ending: The conclusion, where Lara passes out, feels somewhat abrupt. Expanding this moment to reflect her last thoughts or an overwhelming sense of dread could leave a more lasting impression on the reader.