(라이팅) Lost + Hemingway Editor 첨삭

I did not know where I was. Nothing made sense as I gripped the map tightly and commanded myself to remember where I was. I walked aimlessly past the foreign buildings and kept tripping over my painful high heels that dug into my feet. Blonde hair was constantly being tossed into my eyes which was starting to moisten when I was getting more and more lost by the second. I felt like a little child as I collapsed onto a pile of hay that was stored inside a barn where I began to cry. Where even was I? Why was I here? Where did I even live? I broke into a bawl, head in my hands, and felt utter despondency at my predicament. I took another futile look at my map where a scribble of lines led to alien places. I did not recognise anything, anywhere.

After wiping my puffy, red eyes, I adjusted my bucket hat and weakly stood up. I lumbered through countless streets in an attempt to ring a bell to where I lived. As I sluggishly walked with lethargic steps, I pondered about my life. I do not remember generic information that I should know, like family. Have I gone on a vacation? I sighed and continued walking.

Suddenly, a little girl came around the corner and spotted me. A variety of emotions flashed through her face as tears spilled down her cheeks. What was wrong? Did I make an offensive face? I looked behind me to check if another person had upset this poor girl when she sprinted and barrelled into me with a hug.

"Oh!" I exclaimed in surprise, confused about why a stranger girl was embracing me.

With a small voice, the girl whimpered, "Mum..."

I was a Mum? Another round of helplessness slammed into me. How could I not remember? I slumped onto the concrete ground and hugged the crying girl back as I also cried with her.

Feedback: Grade 4

The excerpt you’ve shared conveys a strong sense of confusion and emotional turmoil, effectively immersing the reader in the protagonist’s experience of being lost. The vivid imagery and raw emotions create a poignant atmosphere, allowing readers to empathise with the character's plight. However, there are several areas where the writing could be refined for clarity and impact.

Emotion and Character Development: The protagonist’s feelings of despair and confusion are well conveyed, particularly through phrases like “utter despondency” and “helplessness.” To enhance this further, consider deepening the internal dialogue or physical sensations. For instance, instead of just stating, "I felt like a little child," you could illustrate this feeling more vividly: "I curled up, feeling as small and vulnerable as a lost child, the weight of my confusion pressing down on me." This can help readers connect even more with the character’s emotional state.

Physical Descriptions: The use of physical details, like “high heels that dug into my feet” and “blonde hair... tossed into my eyes,” paints a clear picture of the protagonist’s discomfort. However, consider varying the sentence structure to create a more dynamic flow. For example, you could combine shorter sentences for impact: “The high heels dug painfully into my feet. My blonde hair whipped into my eyes, blurring my vision.” This not only maintains the imagery but also enhances the rhythm of the prose.

Dialogue and Interaction: The interaction with the little girl is a touching moment, but it could be more engaging. Instead of stating, “What was wrong? Did I make an offensive face?” consider showing this confusion through the protagonist’s actions or expressions. For example, “I knelt down, brows furrowing in concern, wondering if I had somehow upset her.” This approach allows readers to feel the protagonist's confusion and concern more deeply.

Pacing and Structure: The pacing in some parts could benefit from tightening. For example, the section where the protagonist reflects on her life could be more concise. Instead of “I do not remember generic information that I should know, like family,” consider a more succinct phrasing: “My mind was a blank slate, devoid of familiar faces or names.” This streamlining can maintain the urgency of the narrative while still conveying the protagonist's disorientation.

Clarity of Setting: While the sense of being lost is clear, providing a bit more context about the setting can enhance the scene. Consider adding sensory details that describe the environment beyond just “foreign buildings.” For instance, you could depict the sounds, smells, or even the weather to ground the reader more firmly in the scene: “The air was thick with the scent of rain-soaked earth, and the distant hum of traffic echoed like a foreign language.”

In summary, while the emotional depth and imagery in your writing are compelling, enhancing character development, varying sentence structure, enriching dialogue, tightening pacing, and providing clearer setting details will elevate your narrative.